


I need you, Means I love you

by Alex456w



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Crying Castiel, Crying Dean, Fluff and Angst, Hugs, Love Confessions, M/M, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 12:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5707789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex456w/pseuds/Alex456w
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel observed himself in the mirror,his blue eyes reflected themselves as they watched his vessel for what would be the last time. His eyes looked down to his hand, in it laid the angel blade, his fist closed hard on the object, holding it tightly and firmly.<br/>*small edits*</p>
            </blockquote>





	I need you, Means I love you

Castiel observed himself in the mirror,his blue eyes reflected themselves as they watched his vessel for what would be the last time. His eyes looked down to his hand, in it laid the angel blade, his fist closed hard on the object, holding it tightly and firmly.

He lifted his arm, slowly and trembling, part of him was afraid of doing it, but for all that he was sure he had to. He closed his eyes, and prayed for forgiveness from his brothers and sisters, he pleaded to his father to protect the Winchesters, for they had become part of his family and he would’ve not been able to go on without them.

But now, he was certain this was what he had to do, he had turned into no more than a burden, he had no purpose on earth, and all the pain he had caused in heaven made it impossible for him to ever go back.

He felt horrible for not having the guts to say his goodbyes to Sam and Dean, but he knew they would never allow it, for they were too noble sometimes.

It was time to say goodbye.

***************

Dean had been out all morning, he needed to distract himself as things were getting out of hand with the darkness, he kept on imagining ways to defeat her. But how could he even think of doing that, Crowley had not been able contain her power, what made him think he could do anything about it?

After a long day of errands and distractions, he arrived at the bunker, before exiting baby he paused and stared at the staring wheel, for how long would he be able to protect Sam? How long would it be before he lost his best friend Cas? Everyone he had grown to love had already been gone, and he wondered if it was only a matter of time before he lost anyone else.

Truthfully he hated thinking about it, but there was always a part of him that made him wonder it, would he be able to go on? If he lost Cas, it would hurt like hell, he was Dean’s best friend, he rebelled against heaven for Dean, and the last 7 years he created a bond so strong with the angel, that it would kill him to see him die. He had already seen it twice, the first when Lucifer imploded him, and the second when that reaper knifed him, and for the minutes that had gone by, Dean felt something break inside him.

Hell, what about Sammy? The last decade of their life had been anything but ordinary, they’d stopped the apocalypse from happening more than once, to anyone else they would seem like an invincible pair. But the truth was, this time Dean was afraid, it was as if the darkness assured the end for both of them, maybe they stilled had a chance to end it, but what would it cost the brothers? He had already lived a life thinking that Sammy was no longer with him, it was just that now, nothing would ever be close to any of that. And death felt like the only solution to their suffering, or at least, it felt like an option.

He decided to exit the car finally, and headed inside the bunker.

***************

Everything was sorted out into the kitchen, Dean had emptied all the groceries properly and put the bags in the recycling bin, there was no way Sam was going to be bitch-facing him tonight.

He wondered why it was so silent, there had been no trace of Sam or Cas when he got home, which was strange because Cas would normally be making noise from watching Netflix at an extremely high volume.

He directed himself to Sam’s room, empty.

The library, empty as well.

Every room empty as the next.

When he reached the bathroom he heard someone inside, he decided to open it and what he saw shocked him, Caswas about to introduce the angel blade across his chest without even doubting it. He ran directly to him, forcing the blade out of his hand, as he struggled he accidently cut Castiel’s hand with, and with this he finally let go.

Cas collapsed on the floorin tears, Dean looked at him with such fear in his eyes, he stared blandly at the blade then threw it with all his might across the hall, far from where it could hurt Castiel.

He ran to put his arms around the angel, who was still crying and trembling on the ground.

“Cas, what the hell were thinking?!” he yelled, his voice breaking as he said the angel’s name.

“Dean please, I can’t do this anymore!”

The more Cas insisted Dean let go, the more Dean locked his arms around the angel, he tried so hard to maintain his tears inside him, but the way Cas laid there in his arms, so weak and so broken, it was destroying Dean bit by bit. He couldn’t lose him too, he couldn’t lose the ones he loved, not anymore.

“I’m completely useless Dean, please let me end my pain!”

“Cas don’t ever say that, you’re not useless, please don’t do this to us!”

Castiel’s breathing was fast, hard and uneasy, Dean did everything he possibly could to try and calm him down, but it seemed that Cas was losing it by the minute, and just when it seemed that it couldn’t get worse, Cas began fighting.

He tried wrestling his way out of Dean’s embrace, but Dean was not going to give up, it was then when Castiel used his angle strength to shove Dean aside and escape.

He ran out and headed for the blade, Dean instantly followed and knocked Cas over, Castiel punched him so he could break free, but Dean proved once more that the angel would not overpower him. 

Finally after a long struggle, Dean was able to get ahold of the blade, and as Cas approached, Dean lifted it into the air, striking himself in the abdomen. Castiel watched in horror.

“If you want to do it, fine, but don’t plan on going alone Cas!” He yelled as he pressed it deeper inside.

**************

Dean woke up, he couldn’t remember what had happened, all he could remember was blood dripping from his body, and then hearing Cas yell out his name. His eyes trying to focus on his surroundings, but of course he was confused, so that wouldn’t be helpful. He was bare chested, his wound covered in a simple band aid, clearly Cas still didn’t understand firs aids. 

“How are you feeling Dean?”

He looked forwards, at the edge of his bed was Castiel, the worry in his eyes had disappeared after a few moments of making sure Dean was ok.

“Why did you do it Dean?” he asked, his voice breaking as the memory struck back in his mind.

“Why were you going to do it in the first place, Cas?” he responded, fear in his voice as he waited for an answer.

Cas didn’t know what to answer, his focus was on the floor, he was certain he couldn’t lie to Dean, not after what he had done to save him, not what after he was willing to do, not allowing him to die alone.

“I just couldn’t do this anymore Dean.” He said with a tear escaping his eyes, his sight on Dean who mirrored his worried face, scared of what he would say next.

“Ever since I rebelled from heaven, I’ve done my best to adjust to earth and it’s ways, yet it seems like I never quite grasp it. At first it didn’t bother me, but with everything that has been going on, with the darkness, with Metatron, it’s all become more painful. I try my best to help you, but sometimes I feel as if you only see me for my powers, sometimes I feel like that’s the only reason I’ve ever been needed.”

Dean’s guilt grew inside him, maybe in his mind he had so much respect for Cas, he even saw him as a brother, but Cas never saw it that way. To Cas, Sam and him only saw him for the powers he possessed, and as much as Dean thought that it wasn’t true, he now realized that it didn’t matter, because that was only way Cas saw it, it was why he thought so low of himself. 

“And just when that hasn’t been enough, the one moment I ever felt desired as a more than an entity with powers, in some way maybe even loved, was with Meg. It’s ridiculous I understand that, but it is something I had never familiarized myself with, and in the few moments I was with her, I unconsciously knew I had the need to protect her. Something more I have miserably failed at.”

Dean could understand perfectly what he meant, it was he had always done, try and protect the ones he loved, and there it was, he tried but never succeeded. Only this time he swears it would be different, he won’t lose Cas, he won’t allow him to go through with it.

Dean got up, his chest still aching form the where the blade struck, but determined to reach Cas. Once he reached him he embraced him with all his might, his head resting on the angel’s neck.

“Please man,forgive me for being an asshole, for making you believe all that mattered to us was your powers, trust me Cas, we need you here with us, I need you here, with me.”

Castiel rested his head over Dean’s, tuning a song he once heard on the radio, he slowly got up still being held by Dean. As he helped him reach the bed, Dean let go for a moment as he laid down, Cas following him. They lay side by side, both looking blankly up at the ceiling untilfinally, Cas rolled over and rested his head over Deans chest.

Dean thought that having Castiel resting over him would feel strange, but if he was honest it felt great actually, it felt right. 

“Your heart sounds very gentle.” Cas said as he pressed his ear across dean’s chest. “It’s very calm, very relaxing.”

All Dean could do was chuckle, still he felt he needed to do everything in his capability to help the angel, but what could he do, simply apologize?

He didn’t realize he had started playing with Cas’ hair, it made Cas smile, he began humming one of Dean’s favorite songs, and Dean hummed with him. Both locked in some sort of cuddle, but neither of them minding, it just felt correct to do it. 

“Cas I need to be honest man, I did use to think your powers would come in handy for stopping the apocalypse, but as time went on, you started to grow on me, you know, even if you acted like an asshole angel.”

Castiel was genuinely laughing, and it made Dean feel such warmth inside, as if Castiel’s laughs soothed him. With all the commotion he barely felt Castiel’s hand traveling across his body.

“Cas, what are you doing.”

“I’m sorry Dean, does it bother you?”

“Um no, it doesn’t bother me, it’s just that dudes don’t you know, do that.”

“Yeah well ‘dudes’ also don’t lay with one another like we’re doing.”

Son of a bitch, it was true. Dean had not even noticed everything they were doing, they were having chick flick moments, Cas was resting his head on his bare chest, they discussed feelings, and now Cas fingers are traveling every inch of Dean’s bare skin. This was completely strange and wrong, and he was absolutely enjoying it, it felt awesome and there was no way he was going to let Cas stop there. 

Maybe that was it, Dean didn’t want Cas just to hang around because of their friendship, maybe it was more. The angel meant a lot to him, that was clear, but would it all be different, if not better, if Cas was more than a friend to him? Maybe there was only one way to discover that.

Dean placed his hand on Castiel’s cheek, Cas looked up, a bit confused.

“I meant it when I said I needed you here with me Cas.”

“I know Dean, I-“

Dean locked their lips together, his eyes closed as he kissed the angel, a gentle yet strong kiss, short yet memorable.

Dean broke the kiss and looked at Cas who was in some sort of trance, Dean wanted to apologize for the impulse, but before he could do so, Castiel responded back with another kiss. 

This time a more passionate one, Dean’s hands tangled into Cas’ hair and Castiel hands across Dean’s chest, both of their eyes closed, gasping for air but not letting go. It was the best sensation ever, Castiel had never experienced something so genuine and so beautiful, the taste of Dean’s lips was exquisite and the way he tugged at his hair only made him desire more.

Dean had made out with so many women in is life, but kissing Cas, it was like giving his first kiss, it intimidated him in some way, but he was also excited about it. Cas’ lips were so soft and his hair was so silky, god it felt perfect and he wished he could remove all the layers of clothes Cas had on. Dean felt like he could be doing this forever, never letting go of the angel, his angel.

Cas let out a fainted yes, as he kept on kissing Dean, he was probably reading his mind, maybe he too felt like never letting go, but he did. He separated himself, taking of off the trench coat, then the suit, and the tie and shirt, exposing his bare chest just like Dean.

Dean had never noticed how beautiful Castiel was, and now it was like he was seeing him for the first time, it was mesmerizing, he felt so eager to touch the angel, to feel every part of skin that he could, he wanted to have Castiel.

“Please Dean, touch me.”

Dean pressed his body over Cas’, he kissed him again only this time his hands didn’t play with his hair, they were traveling his angel's body, the gentle touch made Cas shiver, but it felt just too damn good to stop Dean.

Dean then started to kiss Cas’ jawline, then headed for his neck, it made Cas let out a soft moan, it felt so good and Dean knew he was enjoying it. He started biting into Cas’ skin, Dean’s hands got a hold of Cas’ hair, this only made Cas moan even louder and louder to the point where he began saying Dean’s name out loud.

“Oh god Dean, that feel’s good!”

“Do you like that angel?” Dean asked between bites.

“So good.”

Dean’s tongue glided from Cas’ neck to his chest, he began biting at the angels nipples, which ultimately made Cas scream the hunters name.

Dean lowered himself, he kissed every inch of skin that he found, while making his way to Castiel’s pants. Cas was hard as fuck, Dean bit gently onto the angels hard on, and it made Castiel shake ever so fondly. 

“Fuck Dean, please, do it.”

Just like that Dean was unzipping him and taking his pants off, he hesitated a bit because this would be the first time he ever gave another man a blowjob, but he was eager to try it out, especially if it was Cas who he would be blowing off. 

Dean’s hands played with Cas’ dick a bit although they were still under his boxers, but he could tell that little Cas was very eager to come out. So Dean decided to give a helping hand, he released Castiel’s dick from his containment. 

Dean wasn’t gonna lie, he was impressed with Cas’ length, hell maybe even a bit scared, he was after all about to put it in his mouth. His hand begins stroking Castiel’s dick, first gently then harder, “Oh Dean!” Cas gasps as he touches himself, stroking his body with his gentle fingers. Dean kisses the tip of the head, making Cas shiver even more, his tongue licking down on his shaft, going up and down on Cas’ length making Cas groan along the way. 

He finally puts it all in his mouth, making Cas scream “Fuck Dean, yes!”, it makes the sensation ten times better for Dean, he starts sucking off slow, but as he gains confidence in what he’s doing, he begins to suck down harder, and harder. 

Cas hands lock onto his hair, pushing him down even further as he thrusts into Dean, shouting out curses into the air while at it. “Dean, that feels so good.”

Dean is so into the moment, his hands lock onto Cas' hips, helping him adjust to the rhythm of Castiel’s thrust, eventually catching on to his rhythm.

The heat of the moment is starting to overwhelm Cas, he’s pretty sure he's about to come, he tries warning Dean but all he let out is a weak “Dean, I’m gon-“, and before he knows it he’s releasing everything into Deans, mouth.

Dean doesn’t fight the warmth being flooded into his mouth, instead he decides to swallow, although it becomes a bit difficult, because Cas let go like it was nobody’s business, but Dean enjoyed it, he enjoyed every second of it.

Finally he pulled away, the cum dripping from his lips. He approached Cas, who kissed him tenderly, licking the cum off of Dean’s mouth with his tongue, Dean collapsed beside Cas and hugged him. He was tired even though he didn’t get a chance to relieve himself, but it didn’t matter, he was glad they had done that. And he was wishing for more of that in the future. 

He hugged Cas tightly, the angel was still shaking from all the action, but that smile on his face was something no one could erase. Dean burrowed his head into Cas neck, he was falling fast asleep, but before that, Castiel turned around and kissed him once more, “Thank you Dean” was all he said before falling asleep.

**************

When Dean woke up, Castiel was out of sight, he became worried instantly, although Castiel told him he wouldn’t try suicide again, it didn’t completely sooth Dean.

He exited the room, placing a shirt on as he ran through the halls. Castiel was nowhere to be seen, and the more Dean ran, the more his heart pounded with terror inside him, he was scared, terrified at the thought that maybe Cas did it while he was asleep.

When it he was just about to give up searching, a flash of light came out from one of the rooms, Dean’s heart practically stopped, he ran with all his might.

“Cas? Cas!” he yelled his lungs out, the sheer terror in voice was echoing in the halls, it made everything even worse.

When he reached the room, he found Castiel standing with a camera in his hand. Castiel was startled when he saw Dean storm in so quickly, “Dean is everythi-“.

Dean locked his arms around Cas, crying intensively, he couldn’t stop, he wanted to, but those few minutes of terror almost made him lose it. “I thought you had…. I don’t know what I would’ve done…” , the tears were flowing like waterfalls, his voice was shaking and he could barely finish a sentence. 

“Dean I’m so sorry, I got up and headed for the restroom, on the way back I found this camera and I lost track of time, please forgive me.”

Dean separated himself from hugging Cas, his eyes met the angel’s, both of them now in tears, Castiel locked his lips with Dean’s, the relief could be tasted in Dean kisses, he had truly almost lost it.

“I’m sorry I overreacted Cas, I just, I need you.” He said faintly as he watched Castiel.

“I love you too, Dean.” He responded with such affection, the reaction on Dean’s face, only made it clearer and much more meaningful.

Castiel didn’t need to understand human emotions in order to understand Dean’s subtext, Dean didn’t just need Cas, he loved him, and Castiel knew that. Both of them now knew it.

“I love you more Cas, more than you can ever imagine.”

Cas let out a small chuckle before kissing Dean again.

Neither of them was sure what would happen, they weren’t sure if they would survive, but in this instant, in this moment, it didn’t matter. They had each other, was anything else really needed?

For the rest of that day, and until Sam got home, Cas and Dean kept taking pictures with the camera Cas had found, the way it captured the moments so perfectly, it was beautiful. They left the bunker and decided to take pictures of everything outside. Dean’s favorite picture became the one Cas took near a river, in its reflection you could perfectly see the way Dean looked at Cas while he took the shot. There was no doubt that they loved each other, there was no doubt they would stand by each other till the end.

After all, they needed each other, they loved each other.

“Never forget Cas, I need you, means I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, constructive criticism is welcome :)


End file.
